WASHINGTON – This week marked a pivotal moment in the long-lasting feud between Israel and Palestine when Barack Obama finally took a firm stance against the brutal violence. While on a ride to the beach, the U.S. President finally got fed up with the bickering and told the two to stop or he would turn the car around.

“I had enough of their squabbling,” said President Obama. “I told them to quit it or I would come back there. The two agreed to a peace agreement that lasted until Palestine started placing its hands near Israel’s face, taunting, ‘not touching you, you can’t get mad.’ Israel got mad.”

Israel and Palestine have failed to play nicely for as long as either of them can remember. The United States has tried everything to keep the two from fighting. In the eighties, President Reagan made both of them go to their rooms without dessert to think about what they did. They thought about it and apologized, but all three parties knew nobody really meant it; they just wanted to be able to eat dessert again. 

“In 1994 the United States attempted a new strategy for peace. Each time one country attacked the other, they would have to put a quarter in the ‘unjustified aggressions’ jar,” said Washington Fancy international specialist Judy Lehman. “It worked beautifully with the exception of the US supplying Israel with a stockpile of quarters, just in case they needed to attack to protect themselves.”

So far nothing has worked. Both Israel and Palestine called President Obama’s bluff about turning the car around and it is being reported that the group had a lovely day at the beach – although Israel didn’t let Palestine build its sand castles anywhere near the towels.