The Biography of a Terrible Person

Every so often, there’s born a terrible person. It’s not something any parent would hope for their child, but hope can only get you so far. The symptoms begin right away; the crying, the spitting up, and the needing to be waited on. Of course, it’s impossible to diagnose a terrible person that early in life, because most babies are terrible people. For Steven’s parents though, by age five they knew for sure they were dealing with a terrible person.

One morning, Steven’s big sister got into the cookie jar. It was just barely in reach of her outstretched arms. As she collected her spoils, she created a pile of delicious cookies just for Steven. She was not a terrible person. She rolled them up into a paper towel and brought them over to her baby brother. A gift!

“I got you some cookies, Steven” said Miranda.

“It’s still before dinner” Steven replied with trepidation.

“It’s fine, nobody will know.”

“Mooooooooooooooom, Miranda is eating cookies before dinner!”


Everyone hoped he would simply grow out of it, but as he grew older nothing changed. At least for 7 hours each day he would be the school’s problem instead of his parents’. Steven’s teachers would ask questions, like teachers do. The students would remain silent in indifference, like students do. Only Steven didn’t behave like other students. His hand was raised. He actually wanted others to see that he did his work and that he understands fractions. Nobody understands fractions! It would be fine if that was the extent of it, but as the bell rings to mark the end of class, his true colors ring out loudly.

The teacher proclaims, “that’s all for today, class. I’ll see you tomorrow for more math, or science of whatever.”

“But Mrs. Devers, you forgot to assign us homework today.”


Eventually Steven would graduate from high school and move out of his parents’ house to become a terrible person in college. He never went out. He was always working. When Steven wasn’t writing a paper or researching something for class he would be at his job. Steven was working while attending school full-time to help pay for his degree without accumulating debt.

UGH, gross. Terrible.

After college, where he graduated with honors like a terrible person, he went on to work at a well-known local firm. Steven was fresh out of college, so he took an entry-level job even though it didn’t require a degree. He worked hard every day and never gave into office politics. One day his boss said to him “Steven, we’re going to promote you. You’re doing great work.”

“Thank you” said Steven.

Terrible, just terrible.  

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