After Taking a Hard Look at the World, Nobel Committee Rescinds All Previous Peace Prizes

OSLO – In a stunning move last night, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced wide-sweeping reforms to the Nobel Peace Prize process. After 114 years of bestowing the honor to individuals and organizations who promote peace, it was decided to cease the practice altogether and go as far as to take back the award from all previous winners.

Nobel Chairman Kaci Kullmann Five noted that “I was watching the news for the first time in years, and all of a sudden it struck me…we’re not even close to reaching world peace. What good have we done? We’ve been living a lie.”

After her statement, she was visibly shaken by her organization’s apparent lack of success in impacting the world. Her written statement, which accompanied the announcement, outlined some of the staggering failings of the Nobel process. Both World Wars occurred after the first Nobel Peace Prize was given, the word ‘genocide’ didn’t even exist until the 40’s, and who can forget the Cola Wars of the late eighties which continue to this day.

Some in attendance at the press event defended the prize, pleading that there must be some deserving winners and that not everyone should have to relinquish their awards. They cited notable winners such as the Red Cross, Martin Luther King Jr, and Mother Theresa. The Chairman just shook her head and simply replied “have you heard of the Middle-East? I can’t even.”

When prodded to clarify her response, she sighed deeply and just started reading newspaper headlines out loud. Noting how each event hadn’t been prevented, even a little bit, by a single Nobel Prize winner. Not one.

Several surviving award winners were present and forced publicly to return both their awards and prize money. 2012’s winner, the European Union was given a waiver for returning the prize money provided that Greece isn’t allowed to control how it’s spent. Given all of the negativity and pessimism, the crowd yearned for a silver lining. Racking their brains the committee members all agreed that they had done at least one thing right:

“President Barack Obama’s award in 2009? We nailed that one.”

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