I have a theory. It’s my legal responsibility to remind you that I’m not a scientist nor am I a doctor. Not even an honorary PhD from my alma mater—no matter how many times I ask for one—. Still, I believe my theory to be sound.

If you’re bald, it’s because, genetically, you should have been dead already.

Let that soak in for a moment, bald guys. Your hair is trying to tell you something. When you were born, your body gathered up enough supplies for your entire life; little baggies of trail mix and genetics for the hike we call life. The plan was for nothing to run out until you find the car and drive back home.  However, modern medicine is an experienced and convincing group leader urging you to continue into the woods longer than anticipated. Eventually it’s dark out, you have no idea where the car is, and your hair is all gone. Bald, but alive.

My hair started to go at 26. Probably even sooner than that but allow me to romanticize my thicker, curlier, days. I imagine, if I had been born in another decade like in the late 18th century, I would have contracted polio at 26. Dead shortly after. That’s what my body thought would happen. It may have even known it would happen. A funny thing happened in 1952 that changed my present living situation: the polio vaccine was invented. With that breakthrough in medicine, I gained 50 years of life and lost 100% of my hair.

It seems far-fetched. Sure. There must be another reason why men go bald. Some people will counter that stress is why their hair is falling out. Correct. I’m sure. Stress also leads to high cholesterol and heart attacks both of which are far less fatal than in years past. Stress is a killer…or at least it was. Now it just tries to kill, and hair is the casualty.

BUT WAIT…bald men can still grow beards. Clearly the body can still produce hair and this theory is bunk. False! It is true that bald men can grow beards. Mustaches even. What you forget is that hair begins at birth, beards begin at puberty. They begin awkwardly in puberty, but they begin. That gains you at least 12 years of beard life. Not to mention the frequency of shaving must allow beards to conserve more hair ingredients than the seldom cut top of the head. It’s science, of which I am not a scientist.

In conclusion, rejoice, bald men! You are living on borrowed time. Carpe diem. Your hair may not exist, but you do. That’s something to celebrate.