One dream of mine has always been to write for television. It's a dream I have so far pursued not by moving to Hollywood and working hard at my craft, but by occasionally fantasizing about it. It's the American way.
While I have a ton of Emmy-caliber ideas for TV, a few of those Golden Globe level TV shows just wouldn't make any sense for me to write. Blackish, thought up by Kenya Harris, is a good idea. Blackish, thought up by Chris Todd, is a disaster.
The following are TV shows I would love to write, but am woefully unprepared and unqualified to do so.
Broke in Brooklyn: A struggling artist lives with three roommates in a one-bedroom Brooklyn apartment. They live their lives with only one care in the world; the first of the month. Also Brooklyn is like another character in the show.
Why I'm unqualified: I don't know anything about Brooklyn! Also, all four of the roommates are women. Did that just blow your mind? For this show, I'd recommend a woman writer who has lived in Brooklyn. I possess neither a vagina nor a New York residence.
The Curator Cases: A third grade art teacher cons his way into the Chicago PD to tackle art crimes with his new partner, a forensic scientist trying to con his way into the same thing.
Why I'm unqualified: I am not an art historian, a scientist, or a police officer. I'm not even sure what I was thinking on this one. At least it wasn't set it Brooklyn.
Shiner: A mild mannered man finds himself becoming a town hero after foiling a violent crime. Desperate to hold onto his moment in the spotlight, he tries anything to keep his most visible reminder: a black eye.
Why I'm unqualified: Have you ever been punched before? If you have, you're more qualified to write this than I am. I tend to shy away from confrontation, even when lives are at stake. Also, I'm more of a city guy than a town guy. As long as that city's not Brooklyn.
The Gary Gulman Show: A veteran stand-up comic goes through life like he builds a set, making a big deal out of the little things.
Why I'm unqualified: I'm not Gary Gulman. That's a real person who might live in Brooklyn.
The Home: Two wealthy slackers buy their way into an active senior living community and take to their slower way of life.
Why I'm unqualified: Sure, I'm a slacker. And I'm in the top 10% for household income. And yeah, I'm intrigued by the living standards of an active senior community. But I'm only one person. This show has two leads! That's pretty complicated. I'm not David Lynch.
The Midday Show w/ Chris Todd: An aspiring comedy writer hosts a daily late night talk show in his apartment building each day with the help of other work from home tenants.
Why I'm unqualified: On the surface, this sounds right up my alley. It's even got my name in the title. But I would never communicate with other tenants in my building. It would never happen. Not in my wildest dreams.