The directions on my homework said to read each question carefully and show all my work. So I took a picture of myself reading the book with a magnifying glass. I got a really big A.
Hannibal Burress
I raised my hand to go to the bathroom and the teacher was like 'why do you always have to go to the bathroom, Hannibal?' Because the apple juice here is delicious! You can't give me sweet sweet juice and then question my bathroom motives. Now give me a hall pass. And a juice.
Demetri Martin
I find it strange that girls have cooties, but they're still cuties. Cooties like cuties, but cuties don't like cooties...or me.
Jerry Seinfeld
The black top. Have you seen this stuff? What's the deal with black top? I see its black, but it's not on the top of anything. It's the lowest part of the playground! It should be black bottom.
Dane Cook
Do you guys remember yesterday's 4-square game? Ahhh, 4-square! I love it. I want to BE 4-square. Symmetry, bouncing balls, and you get to be a king. The king is majestic and he rules over the other players. And when someone's not paying attention the ball might hit them in the FACE. It's good to be the king.
Jim Gaffigan
Being a kid is great. You can eat three donuts and still have the energy to not do anything the rest of the day. ::this kid's lazy. He's probably going to grow up to be fat::
Jimmy Fallon
This happened today. The school decided to rename "recess" to "free-form exercise" to encourage physical activity. Similarly, to encourage honesty the cafeteria renamed the "Salisbury steak" to "this is technically food."
B.J. Novak
Some of my favorite things, ranked. 1. Coloring 2. Trains 3. My mom 4. Legos 5. Tic Tac Toe...
Mitch Hedberg
Alriiight. Raising your hand means both having a question or an answer. There's gotta be a second arm gesture option. Mitch, why are you touching the floor? Because I have an answer to that question Ms. Thompson. And I'm interested in being rewarded with some gold stars. Or little smiley stickers.
John Mulaney
My favorite TV show, the absolute best, is Blue's Clues. Not because I'm good at solving clues...which I am. But because no matter what, it always takes three clues to solve the puzzle. We have a dog bone. And a letter that says Blue is hungry for dinner. Umm, I don't know, does blue need a new job? Maybe he's trying to find his birth parents? AND a plate. Blue wants to eat dinner, of course! It's a good thing that when Blue skidoo, we did too.
Aziz Ansari
Girls are scary. I was in the cafeteria, filling up my tray with some tasty noms. I saw this girl looking right at me. So I looked at her. She looked at me. I looked at her. She's looking at me. Now I know exactly what to do in this situation I said "hey" and waved a breadstick like I was tipping my hat. Like a little garlic gentleman. And I'll never forget her response: "your fly is down." [extremely Aziz voice] Noooooooo! I go to a new school now.
